Snap Out of It! 3 Steps to Pull Yourself Back Together When Things Fall Apart

The day before my daughter was born, I sat in the delivery room waiting for my contractions to get a little more exciting while I used my Blackberry to do some work. That day a colleague emailed to tell me that I was INSANE and that I needed to put my Blackberry down and go have the baby.

I did put the Blackberry down, but that exchange didn’t get the point across that maybe I was doing something unhealthy. Maybe I was compulsive. Maybe I was a workaholic.

When I came home from the hospital, I spent many loving moments with my beautiful new baby daughter. Common wisdom says, “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” While the baby slept, I kept up with my work email.

Wishing I Were Blogging
In the first two months after Alexandra was born, I also felt a lot of internal pressure to blog. I felt I should announce where I had gone, to show photos of the baby and say that mom and baby are doing okay. But I was exhausted and consumed with sleeplessness, taking care of the baby and checking work email.

I obsessed about blogging almost every day – what photo I would use, what to write – but I was running on fumes, I was irritable and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I eventually drove myself to new heights of lunacy due to sleep deprivation.

Losing It
Yes, motherhood is beautiful, blah blah blah, but you hear enough women proclaiming how beautiful it is. I’m here to be honest – it’s also messy and demanding and fraught with emotional peril. There are highs that come with the love and the satisfaction of soothing a crying baby, and there are the lows that come with the stress when nothing seems to soothe the baby (or mom), the lack of sleep and the wacky hormonal mood swings.

I couldn’t control everything, but at least I knew that my job wasn’t spiraling out of control while I was off smelling the roses. Hence, checking work email when I should have been sleeping or blogging.

I guess I was hanging onto the structure and productivity of my old life, because my new life was frenzied and chaotic. I was lost in the lack of organization of my days and activities, constantly reacting to what the baby required and struggling to meet my own basic needs.

Father Time was abusive, paying no mind to the nuances of a.m. and p.m., let alone to the days, weeks or months that swept past me with little sleep. I would remark to my husband that prisoners of war are tortured with sleep deprivation, and that now I knew why. It was physically and emotionally excruciating.

The “Aha” Moment
Then I read an article in the September issue of Oprah Magazine called “Lying Low.” The tagline reads, “When things fall apart, your urge is to do something – anything – to put them back together. But what if you can’t do that right now? Martha Beck on the hidden blessings of life’s little low points.”

Martha Beck made some excellent points for those times when we suffer a break up, a job loss, or maybe you’re stuck in the slow lane at the grocery store and you are totally losing your mind:

1.       Do Nothing: When nothing seems to work, do nothing. Stop resisting, stop struggling and stop planning. Just be in the moment and chill out.

I stopped checking work email. I also stopped obsessing about blogging and told myself that it’s okay to let the web site lie fallow while I adapted to this huge life change of having my first child. I scaled down my expectations to be kinder to myself, and my daily task list included things like “shower” and “empty the dishwasher” – and if I failed at completing my to do list, I didn’t beat myself up.

2.       Focus on Hope: Rather than being focused on just how difficult everything is, instead make a list of all the things you appreciate. Think of everything that offers comfort, support and hope. When you lose your cool, repeat the exercise as often as necessary.

It was easy for me to put things in perspective using this exercise. I have a healthy, happy baby girl, a loving husband and a comfortable home. The newborn stage doesn’t last forever, and I began to appreciate those unique new-baby moments like sniffing her delicious little head while she sleeps peacefully in my lap.

3.       Rest Like You Mean it: Ms. Beck learned the practice of intentional resting from Dan Howard’s web site, Intentional Resting.

To loosely sum up the steps of how to rest:

  • Focus on where you’re feeling discomfort or tension, whether that’s in your body or your mind.
  • Think the word “relax. Take some moments to enjoy the new sensation.
  • Think the word “rest.” Breathe rest into the spaces of your body that are holding onto tension. Encourage each anxious space of your body and mind to rest.

Following these steps helped me fall asleep at night on more than one occasion when I was feeling overwhelmed and panicked about taking care of a tiny, helpless new person. I will still occasionally think to myself, “Relax … rest” and I will immediately feel calmer and more collected.

Things Fall Apart
Then I went back to work, and the game changed again. New baby exhaustion combined with getting up early for the daily commute, plus all the added tasks of packing up both myself and the baby every day made me feel new levels of panic and fatigue.

My days went something like this: Get up at the crack of dawn, get myself and Alex out of the house, work, then endure the long commute home, usually while the baby screamed the whole time. Then I would eat dinner and fall into bed, until Alex would wake to be fed in the middle of the night.

My nerves were shot. I kept thinking, “People actually do this? This is supposed to be normal?” In short, I felt trapped on a treadmill set at a ridiculous pace with no way to hop off.

Things Fall Apart Again, but for Real This Time
Suddenly, I was shoved off that treadmill when I was laid off from my job last week. The first sensation to wash over me was despair. The next was indignation. How could they terminate a new mom?

For the first few days, I was in shock; I continued to robotically haul myself out of bed soon after sunrise. But then the lessons I had learned came back to me, and I felt an emotion akin to relief. I went through the exercises once more.

1.       Do Nothing: It would be crazy not to take advantage of an event like unemployment to catch up on zzz’s. Yet my innate inclination is to continue to punish myself and start the day early for no apparent reason other than some vague sense of guilt or wish for productivity that can’t be fulfilled while I’m chronically sleep deprived.

I’m making it a priority to sleep during Alex’s first nap of the morning instead of hopping up and showering and eating breakfast. It’s less than an extra hour of sleep, but it makes a major difference in how I feel physically and emotionally.

2.       Focus on Hope: I’m gaining three priceless experiences out of losing my job. The first I already mentioned: the chance to rest and get more sleep for the sake of my wellbeing. The second is the opportunity to blog again, which is extremely important to me.

As for the third benefit of unemployment … It’s only natural to think that getting laid off with all the expenses of a brand new baby make it the worst timing possible. But what a great point in our lives to spend more time with my baby before heading back to an office and leaving her in daycare. She’s still tiny and fragile and so entirely dependent; it feels good that I’ll get to care for her myself for a little while longer.

Lastly, I know I’m employable, even in this job market. I have a broad set of skills that are in high demand. My worst case scenario is that I wind up in a job that’s a step back in my career for less pay than I want. No big whoop.

3.       Rest Like You Mean it: So I’m resting. But I’m also blogging and taking care of my baby while I begin the hunt for a new job. Life is pretty sweet.

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20 thoughts on “Snap Out of It! 3 Steps to Pull Yourself Back Together When Things Fall Apart

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  4. This is so honest and so true. Motherhood levels out soon and you will get into a groove, if you haven’t already.

    MISS YOU!

  5. Glenn, guess what I’m going to eat this week? Pie!!!!

    Annie, thanks for the encouragement. I’m looking forward to seeing how this all unfolds, but I’m also going to savor ‘the now’ as best I can.

    Diana, can’t wait to read your books!

    Anne — yes, you must get back to blogging, because I want to read more about your delicious life in bklyn.

  6. Yay! You are back! And your baby girl is beautiful. And you sound happy, despite the insanity. I’m sorry about the gig, that stinks. But you are right, you are very employable. :-)

    You’ve inspired me to get back to my own blog, which has been lying (laying?) dormant since the wedding. If you can do it amidst babies and jobs and craziness, oh my! then I can DEFINITELY do it amidst sitting on my fat @ss watching “Glee”.

    Welcome back!

  7. Katie – what a great post. (not to mention adorable little baby pic!)
    I can totally relate (as I wrote 3 entire novels on the phenumun you just blogged about!) I’d love to send you a copy of the first two – Bundle of Trouble and Motherhood is Murder (the third in the series, Formula for Murder, will be released in March 2011). You can check out my website for more information and see if you’d enjoy the books (I think/hope you will). If you like what you read, then send me your mailing address and I’ll send you the copies.
    Best Wishes!
    Diana Orgain

  8. I loved this post, Katie. With that kind of mindset, you will get through this transition period with aplomb — stronger than ever. You will NEVER get this time back with Alex so savor every single minute and know, with your skills and talent that you WILL land and you will land well and probably like your new job a whole lot more!!! xoxo

  9. BU! Good to be back, and thanks for the luck. I will certainly let you know if I become fixated on the need to code stuff.
    For now, I’m fixated on the need to fix my awful looking banner. Time away from the blog gave me a fresh pair of eyes to look at the design flaws and say “ew”. That said, posting is more important to me right now, so I’ll get to it … eventually…

  10. Thanks Beth! I appreciate the positive vibes. I hope we can get together soon too, and I’d like to meet Jackson. I love the video of him singing “Three Little Indians.” Priceless.

  11. Your readers are glad to have you back! Good luck on the job hunt — I know your skillset has nothing to do with mine, but let me know if you ever start looking at jobs that involve “coding stuff”.

  12. Katie–
    Wow. I will be reading all of your blog posts from now on. This piece was incredible–honest and true. I remember so vividly the “new mom” days of sleep deprivation and insanity (Jackson is four now). I am so happy to hear that you have such an incredible perspective on your new life situation. I commend you for finding the good and living in the now. I hope to see you and Steve and meet little Alex soon.
    Take care,
    Beth

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