Note to self:

Hey, Sisyphus!  Busting your ass in the gym every morning, and then lying in bed at night while you eat things like crackers spread with cream cheese, or a family size bag of Fritos with a tub of cheese dip is not the fastest way to a slimmer, leaner, trimmer you.

I hope when you get home tonight and remove the size 2 pants that you have absolutely no business wearing, you enjoy the red lines engraved on your tummy from your well-deserved pant tightness.

How about engaging in a Sisyphean task that's slightly more worthwhile tonight, like oh say, folding the laundry.

Now put down the Cheez Doodles. Thanks.

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To the woman in her underwear in the gym locker room who invaded my personal space while you dried your hair for an inordinate amount of time before and after I toweled off and got dressed:

You had a lot of space over there, yet you crowded me into a corner with your thong and its contents.

Also, I had a hard workout, and you were blowing hot air from your hair dryer at me on account of your unnatural proximity, which caused me to continue to sweat while I was attempting to get dressed. Do you have any idea how annoying that is?

Once I thought I had escaped you and your infernal peach thong and black bra by fleeing to another part of the locker room, I was nothing short of alarmed when you followed me and popped up in the mirror right next to me.

Please. Just go stand over there. Thank you.