I Have HUGE News!

I’ve been hiding away, I know. But I’ve been working on something I’ve been very excited to tell you about:

I’m launching a new site — a business, to be exact! It’s called The Monarch Company. I will still be blogging, of course, although, I’m a little sad to say, no longer here at Swell Easy Living. However, I am absolutely giddy about the new venture, and I invite you to come along for the ride! The new site is under construction, but feel free to poke around. I will let you know when the site is closer to complete.

Over the past several years, I’ve known that I wanted to help people, but I wasn’t sure how or what I had to offer. After reading copious amounts of books in the fields of neuroscience, psychology and self-help and doing some training, I made some realizations:

1. I was living the dream, checking off boxes as I went: college degree, high-paying media job, marriage, kids…what was next, retirement and death? I knew there was “something else” out there for me…I wasn’t in tune with my own inner-most desires, what would actually make me feel happy and satisfied in life.

2. After a lot of research and work, I learned how to shed a ton of limiting beliefs, how to squish my inner critic,and how discover and pursue my real dreams and a lifestyle that fires me up.

3. There are tons of people who were living the same way, never finding what the something else was. Now it’s my mission and duty to help others learn some of the tools that help me every day. The new business is centered around classes and events, both online and off. And of course, there will also be old-fashioned (free) articles.

I hope that you’d come check out the new site to sign up for the newsletter (right-hand side) so you can stay updated. Also, please follow me on my new Facebook page, and via my new Twitter handle.

Wishing you peace, love and fulfillment,

Katie Morton

Sh*t The Hubby Says: Coffee Edition

Yes, I am ripping off Shit My Dad Says.

The Hubby: Can you make me coffee?

Me: How about I show you how to make coffee? Then you’ll always be able to have coffee whenever you want it.

The Hubby: But I like it when you make coffee.

Me: What would you do if I died? How would you get coffee then?

The Hubby: I’d get remarried to someone who knows how to make coffee.

How Taking My Daughter for Walks Changed My Life

I’m now blogging for TLC’s Parentables! I will blog the post introductions here at swell easy living so you can keep updated on new content as it becomes available. Just click through to read the full post on parentables.

baby bjorn

Picture it: You show up to a party. The room is dim and a disco ball throws annoying splashes of festive color at the walls. You would rather be home in bed, but people have been telling you that you need to get out more. You see people socializing and having fun. You want to join them, but you are too hesitant to approach.

You feel unsure of your rusty conversation skills. You marvel at that one. You were never so keenly aware before that conversation required skill, let alone the whole possibility of a “rusty” factor. Your clothes are 24-hour clothes, meaning they involve a stretch fabric or perhaps a drawstring, and they can be worn day or night.

You can’t recall the last time your body felt shower spray. Your hair has been falling out, and you didn’t brush it today. You press your butt, your inflated butt, which doesn’t even feel like it belongs to you — it’s someone else’s butt, yet distinctly your butt — you press that butt up against the wall so you can try to make yourself appear smaller in an effort to hide.

You are a wallflower. A smelly, fat wallflower. Such is the experience of some new moms showing up at the party of life.

Why Bother Leaving the House? :: keep reading …

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Schedule a Regular Date Night With Your Sweetie

I’m now blogging for TLC’s Parentables! I will blog the post introductions here at swell easy living so you can keep updated on new content as it becomes available. Just click through to read the full post on parentables.

red rose

It was the dark ages of my daughter’s infancy. My life was marked by an extreme and ever-increasing sleep debt. The need for rest, relaxation and rejuvenation expressed itself as a pervasive throbbing in both my emotional and physical selves.

I knew that I looked like the caricature of a harried new mom: weight gain, dark circles, overemotional, and starved for socialization, yet too anxious to enjoy it. I wondered what my friends said about me behind my back. I wondered how my husband felt about “the new me.”

For most moms of poor sleepers, this could describe the early days of new-babyhood. For me, it was month eight.

My Momma Always Said: You Need Date Night :: keep reading …

 

Dealing With Difficult People: 3 Steps to Resolve a Conflict

fightLet’s say you’re reading this because you’re fed up with a wiener-butt-poopy-head and you would like to tell that guy where to go. You might be hoping that my advice would be something like, “Punch that idiot in the face!” or “You’re right and he’s wrong so you should force your will upon him and make him do it your way!” or “Tell him he’s a complete jackass and an epic failure!” As fun and satisfying as it sounds to beat someone into submission, whether physically or verbally, it won’t help us to actually resolve the conflict. Unless you can punch really, really hard.

(I kid.)

First of all, let me start by saying that anyone, including yours truly (gasp!), can qualify as a difficult person when we don’t see eye to eye. Of course there are the chronically difficult, and those people are a real hoot. My husband may think I’m chronically difficult, because he chronically has to live with me and he can’t go home to his spouse and complain about this wacko broad because I am both his spouse and that wacko broad. So we’re using a loosey-goosey definition for the word difficult today.

As the cliché goes: we can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves. I hate that cliché because we can change the other guy, or at the very least we can change how we think about the other guy and how we react to him, which is almost as good as actually changing him.

Here are my ways to resolve a conflict with an irritating buffoon.

1. Accept People the Way They Are
Don’t roll your eyes and shut your browser. I’m not saying to let the moron trample you because you are just going to let it all happen. I’m talking about a subtle mind shift that will help you feel less annoyed. And you’ll learn a little bit about yourself in the process.

Zen Master Mary Jaksch at Goodlife Zen says that when you take issue with somebody and you find yourself wishing that this person were different, what you’re often actually wishing is that this frustrating individual was more like yourself.

Try it with me for a second. If there’s someone whose behavior is pissing you off, do you find yourself wishing that she would act the same way you would act?

If you give her the space to be herself and accept that she has different perspectives and agendas than you do, it helps you be more empathetic about what makes her tick. Different ideas make her feel good, and maybe her family raised her with different values and behaviors than your family raised you. She also has different experiences and different anecdotal evidence about the way the world works.

To get a better idea of how to grasp the other person’s perspective, here’s an example of how empathizing with my husband’s mindset helped me to untwist my knickers.

A Story About Relaxation and Conflict
For relaxation, my husband Steve prefers lounging in front of the TV for some escapism, while what works for me is entirely different. When I’m sitting still, I tend towards overthinking and brooding, which is definitely counter to relaxation. This often results in obsessive listmaking and checkboxes, which will cause my husband to smirk. What relaxes me? The opposite of what relaxes Steve. I want to move my body, preferably outside. Any form of physical activity helps clear my mind, makes me feel liberated, and the stress melts away. I’m happiest outside in the sunshine or at the gym if the weather doesn’t cooperate.

Of course everyone needs to veg out sometimes; we can’t physically run ourselves ragged forever, and I do enjoy my TV time to allow my body to rest in the evening. However, I get antsy when I sit in front of the TV for too long, especially during a nice weekend day. It makes me anxious, I wonder what I could be accomplishing and I often feel like I’m WASTING MY LIFE. Nothing gets me thinking about death and mortality more than thinking about the hours of my existence I’ve spent zoned out in front of the TV and what else I could have done with that time. Not very relaxing, no.

Our Conflict Over Leisure Time
I’m ashamed to admit that, because of my own notions about relaxation, sometimes I can make it hard for Steve to chill out. Part of it comes with, I think, a wholesome agenda: I’ll wish that he’ll come out and play with me so I can enjoy his company while I’m out getting physical. I love spending time with him, and what’s better than spending time with the man I love doing stuff I love doing. And if we’re active together, we’ll have a long, happy and healthy marriage and family life, right? Right?!

However, my asking can turn into cajoling, which then can escalate to frustration and aggravation when he proves to be immoveable. He says he doesn’t want to come out and play with me, because right now he’s relaxing! He says he will go exercise on his own time. Having lost the battle, I’ll stomp out of the house by myself. Then I’ll go relax and have a grand old time, albeit bittersweet without my husband, while he decompresses alone in the equivalent of a man cave – on the couch without me.

2. Get to the Source of the Conflict (Hint: It’s in Your Head)
So what’s the true conflict here? Is it simply the difference between Steve’s way of relaxing and mine? Not really. The conflict is that I have a particular perspective about the best way to spend free time. I think, “I’m improving my physical health by being less sedentary, so there.”

Nine times out of ten when you have a conflict on your hands, it’s because you feel that your perspective is superior. Just take a minute to get into the other person’s head and determine why their perspective is also valuable.

Looking at the issue from the other guy’s perspective is hard to do, especially when we want to be right and, by extension, have things our way. In my case, we’re talking about relaxation here. Steve uses a couch. That’s a perfectly valid method of relaxation. Understanding that Steve actually is relaxing and not thinking about death and feeling guilty helps me get why he needs to do it his way. He doesn’t collapse the acts of exercise and relaxation into the same activity like I do. And I admire his ability to relax. Let’s face it, he’s better at it than I am.

Putting yourself in the other guy’s shoes could help you get to the root of your concern. Maybe my true anxiety is that I don’t want to be my husband’s caretaker some day. I want us both to be able-bodied individuals in our old age for max enjoyment of this one, short life we get. That’s a very different issue than my wanting to enjoy Steve’s company while I take a hike, and it’s a concern that’s resolved by Steve’s exercise routine.

3. Don’t Get Defensive, Communicate
Tina Su over at Think Simple has some great ideas for dealing with difficult people. She says our natural instinct when dealing difficult people is to attack back in order to defend ourselves, but reacting harshly can escalate the scenario into nasty territory, and rarely solves the issue.

Sometimes we think we’re in conflict with someone and they don’t even know it! How many times do we think in our heads about how that person is wronging us, or we think that they disagree with us or that they are wrong about something based on some comment they made. We stew and we fester and we build up a case in our minds as to why they are wrong and we are right.

The Dirty Kitchen Story
My husband and I share the household chores, and one of my jobs is to keep the kitchen neat and clean. Alas, I’m not the neatest person in the universe. In fact, if you look at where I fall on the neat-to-slob continuum, I fall squarely in the slob camp. That said, I work hard to fight my natural tendencies. Sometimes (like when I’m tired and pregnant) I fail more than I succeed, but my efforts keep me far away from any TV show with the word “hoarder” in the title.

There was a time when I was neither pregnant nor tired and just plain didn’t keep the kitchen as well as I could have. I never had a good rhythm of keeping the dishwasher empty and ready for dirty dishes. So dishes would pile up in the sink.

When the dishwasher actually was empty and Steve would throw his dirties in the sink anyway, I would feel frustrated that he was making my job harder. Because I sometimes start emptying a clean dishwasher and then get distracted partway through the job, from his perspective, how the heck is he supposed to know that a dishwasher that’s half-full is clean or dirty? So he just stopped checking the dishwasher altogether and began using the sink entirely.

So the conflict in this case would be Steve wondering why in the heck his wife can’t do something as simple as keep a kitchen neat in a two-person household. (I don’t know, babe, I don’t know. I blame it on our freakishly tiny dishwasher.) The other minor conflict was when I would wonder why the heck my husband couldn’t manage to take 10 seconds to put his dishes in the dishwasher.

Communicate Your Frustration
Steve is an infinitely patient person, but after a while, even he had to say something. He began to show hints of annoyance and I got the hint. When I realized how much this issue was bugging him, I made more of an effort to correct myself.

I discovered that half the battle of a clean kitchen is keeping the dishwasher empty so it’s always ready for dirty dishes. My rules were:
1. Leave the sink spotless so no one is tempted to put dishes in it.
2. Run the dishwasher every morning so that I can empty it and have it ready for dinner dishes and pans every night.
3. Clean up immediately after dinner; load and run the dishwasher and clean out the sink so that the kitchen would be fresh for breakfast in the morning.

Steve noticed and appreciated that I was trying to make it better, and his praise reinforced my good behaviors. Plus the more I kept the kitchen clean, the more he pitched in to help. No more dirty dishes in the sink! It was easy to put dishes in the dishwasher, because it was usually empty. No surprises or wondering why the dishwasher was half full and whether it was clean or dirty.

Appreciate What Communication Can Do
This dishwasher story could have had an entirely different end. If Steve never let on how annoyed he was, I could never have bothered to figure out that our dishwasher needs to be run morning and night to keep our kitchen out of the weeds. He could have spent the next 70 years wondering what in the hell is wrong with his wife.

Of course the saga continues, as what is currently wrong with his wife is that her back and legs start aching within two hours of getting out of bed in the morning. But at least we know this is a temporary setback in our efforts towards a clean kitchen and I will once again return to good wife status when I regain use of myself as something other than home to our beautiful, parasitic baby. (Baby, if you’re reading this, you’ve been born and I’m only referring to the part when you were in utero, okay? We’re cool now.)

The point is, unless we open up a dialogue with the person who is bothering us, it’s impossible to know how they really feel about the issue, and especially how they feel about it in relation to your opinion. Before he said something, Steve might have thought that I didn’t give a flying crap about a clean kitchen. I did care; I just wasn’t giving the issue the attention it deserved until he said something about it.

If you offer your thoughts, you will often be surprised that you’re on the same page and that a solution is within reach. So to sum up, 1) Change your mindset: accept your opponent by practicing empathy, and 2) Get to the source of the conflict. Given the other guy’s perspective and your own quirks and opinions, what’s the real issue? 3. Communicate: express your own perspective to make some progress.

Problem solved, no punching necessary. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

What’s your favorite way to resolve a conflict? What has worked well for you in the past? I’ll meet you in the comments!

3 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Happy and Healthy

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but now with Jesse James pulling a Tiger Woods, infidelity and damaged marriages and families are on the collective brain. A lot of talk has been out there about how men are wired to cheat and these guys have money and opportunities to cheat — to that I say BLAH BLAH BLAH — because at the end of the day, that’s a bleak and insulting way to view the male gender.

It’s like saying that some men, most men or many men (however you want to paint it), when given money and opportunities, automatically ditch their moral compass and love for their families and decide to stick their junk in bad places. That kind of attitude not only strips men of responsibility, respect and values, it depicts men as animals with no self control, and I don’t buy it. I think it’s time to give men more credit than that, and to call Jesse and Tiger what they are: dirt bags.

Anyway. I’m not here to talk about them, but about our own relationships and the kinds of ideas that these sensational tales of infidelity bring about. Here are a few ways to keep that relationship happy and humming along:

1.    Don’t Stew.
I read an article in the April 2010 Oprah Magazine called “The After Wife.” It was written by an anonymous woman whose husband cheated on her. They had two small children and for their sake, she didn’t want to file for divorce (which is another topic altogether – I’ve never thought “staying together for the sake of the children” sounded like the obvious answer to me, but what the hell do I know.) The article talks about what she went through to pull her marriage back together when she hadn’t even known it was broken until her husband confessed his affair.

I am not, and she is not, blaming the husband’s affair on the wife by any stretch. That would be ridiculous. But she really explores what her marriage was like while she was oblivious to the affair, and while her marriage had appeared utterly shiny and rosy and trust-filled on the surface, she acknowledges that there was a “cloud of disappointment and annoyance that had become a permanent feature of our marriage…A habitual mild bitterness, a casual scorn, became my default attitude towards Sam.”

The long and short of this heartbreaking – yet fascinating and well-written piece – is that the wife had carried resentments and to save herself the repeated, petty arguments, came up with this attitude shield. And the husband, feeling the scorn, rather than acknowledging his vulnerabilities, went off and secretly porked some whore on a regular basis for three years before realizing he was figuratively porking his family and marriage in the butt.

So clearly they should have communicated with each other to maintain their marriage. Expressed their needs and their vulnerabilities yes, and also kept their admiration and love for the others’ qualities fresh in their minds as they got knee-deep in day-to-day household crap. It sounds like a tall order, but it sounds like an impossible horror if you don’t — even if there’s no affair and you’re both simply trapped in this unnamed, dingy melancholy.

The moral of the story: Don’t get all quiet and bitter and resentful; work out your issues, no matter how small they might seem. Love the one you’re with and be vocal about it.

2.    Ask for What You Need.
Asking for what you need is not the same thing as Don’t Stew. You can Not Stew, but still not make your needs known. I was listening to a radio show yesterday afternoon. The show host said that a male friend of hers confided that he was about to break up with his girlfriend. This guy is gone for work a lot and isn’t around all the time. He had gotten into an argument with his woman because the girlfriend wanted to spend more time with him. His stance was, “You knew what you got into. Buck up, Buttercup.” This guy told the radio show host that his girlfriend, who he had once considered marrying, “ruined” the relationship by being “needy.”

Look. This toolbag doesn’t need to lay blame on his girlfriend. She is entitled to want to spend more time with him, and doubly entitled to ask for it. If for whatever reason he can’t or won’t give her more time, then these two aren’t a good fit. No blaming necessary.

If this girl had kept her mouth shut about her feelings, then all she would have gotten was more disappointment and more time wasted on this guy. It’s better for this chick to find a guy who is going to give her the time and attention she wants. And likewise, this guy should find some girl-about-town who doesn’t give a flying fig about where her man is when he’s frequently not with her.

Moral of the story: Ask and you shall receive — maybe not from this guy, but from a better-suited one.

3.    Ask for Praise.
Seth at Lifehack.org has his own list of ways to make your love life stronger, and the first one on the list sure is an interesting one: “Ask for Praise.” He gives a great explanation of why we should. I will add to this: because it will cause your significant other to consider positive qualities about you that might go unnoticed otherwise. This could cause your significant other to view you in a positive light more often, keeping that flame stoked.

Moral of the story: Fish for compliments when you think you deserve it. (Not when you think your butt looks fat.) If you do something praiseworthy, be your own publicist and call your mate’s attention to your awesomeness. Likewise, be generous with praise for your mate.